Happy Wife Happy Life

I can't stop thinking about a phrase I hear ALL THE TIME. Happy Wife = Happy Life - this is usually directed at a husband and it's intended message is that he should do everything he can to make his wife happy so that his life will be happy too.

I call bullshit.

Here's why. Everyone loves being taken care of once in a while. Everyone likes nice gestures and being spoiled and getting their way. (Me too, although I try to reciprocate once in awhile)

But, sometimes we are wrong and we shouldn't be given our way in an attempt to "make us happy" because it's easier or because that's just how it should be.

If I'm wrong - tell me I'm wrong and set me straight. It might not be easy - I'll probably be a bitch about it  -  but I need it so that I can grow as a human being. (And god knows, my bitchiness needs to be curbed sometimes)

Same thing for this idea that our husbands have to shower us with things all the time. If you want flowers - buy yourself some damn flowers - why is that wrong? I thought of this as I saw one of those Humans of NY pictures and a guy was holding flowers and the interviewer asked him who they were for and he said "they are for me - I like pretty things." I thought - holy crap - rock on guy - way to not have to wait for someone else to put a smile on your face.


All of these thoughts and feelings have led me to my next goal to add on to my current ones. To make myself happy. To be responsible to me.

Why do we have this idea that someone else has to make us happy? Someone else has to "do" for us?  I'm making myself happy and I want my daughter to grow up and to be able to do the same. Don't get me wrong - I hope she finds her knight in shining armor, (or in my case - my Maine resident with an ugly green hat and a bass guitar) but until she does and even once she has found him, I want her to be able to make herself happy. I want her to be interested in things. I want her to read books for pleasure. I want her to exercise because it makes her feel good - not because she thinks she has to or even worse, because she thinks she has to so that a boy will like her.  If she is able to do these things, she will be able to bring more to the table to any relationship she is in. She will be content - maybe not all the time, but most of the time, because she will accept no less for herself and she will not wait for, or expect someone else to do it for her.

What things do you do to make yourself happy?

What happened to my marriage?

When we had Katie - Dave and I were ALWAYS able to find time to talk, hang out, play games and have mini dates after she was sleeping. We were even able to go out on REAL dates a lot because I have awesome parents who will watch her for us and who she loves being around. So, we had our fair share of nights away during her first 2 years also.

Our relationship is VERY strong. Stronger than I really thought possible. We are truly teammates in this game of parenting. We were so good at balancing being the parents of 1 and since Katie did so many things early and slept so well at night - we never really missed time with each other because there was always so much!

Then we had Ben. Everything changed. Now, part of it is because he still REFUSES bottles and is literally attached to me at the boob and dependent on my for feeding more often than a bottle fed baby. (although the last few days he's been spreading it out which makes me happy!!) Part of it is because Katie is a daddy's girl and only 2 and a half and needs attention from Dave when he gets home.


Our days go like this - Dave wakes up with the kids.(anywhere between 5 and 6:30) I sleep in until the noise gets unbearable or Ben decides he wants to eat. (between 7 and 8 on good days) Then, Dave has to get ready for work and I'm with the kids. Then Dave leaves for work until 5:15.

He comes home and it's dinner time - so I am either finishing up cooking or getting our dinners on the table and getting Ben's Cereal ready. One of us has to feed Ben his cereal, while the other is Katie's personal cheerleader to eat her dinner. (I'm convinced since eating is one of the only things she can control, she makes it VERY hard and takes her time and fights us - which is annoying but given all the changes in her life with moving and a baby, etc... I won't fault her for it yet)

Dinner conversation is limited to Katie's day as she is very obnoxious when we try to talk to each other because she figures since Dave is home - he should be talking to HER and not ME. I get it, she hasn't seen him all day and she wants some daddy time - so although it annoys me - I try not to get too upset - although yesterday I did have to put her in timeout because she kept yelling at us to stop talking and we REALLY needed to discuss a new muffler for a car - and she refused to stop interrupting - probably not my best parenting moment - but I was desperate.

After we clean up dinner and get the dishes sorted - we have about 45 minutes to an hour or so of playtime/nursing Ben time.

Then it's bath time - and we have to each take one kid and give them their baths. (Ben is too small for the bathtub so he gets his downstairs and she gets hers upstairs)

Then it's reading time for Katie and bedtime for Ben.

By the time there is radio silence on both their monitors - its after 8 - lately - closer to 9.
(Katie is getting bigger and thus staying up later since she still naps most days)

Then it's time for Dave to go run at the gym and me to shower - de-stress and try to get sleepy.
(I have sleeping issues and it's taking me forever to fall asleep and since Ben is still so unpredictable and I'm the only one - or correction, my boobs are the only ones that can comfort him - I usually don't get more than 2 - 4 hours MAX at a time at night.
So I try to get in bed by 9:30 so that I can maximize his first long stretch of sleep at night and not feel quite so zombieish when I wake up and start all over again.

No romance, no catching up - barely even a hello at the door even and our day is over and it's bed time.
I wasn't expecting this however, I realize it's because the kids are so little so I accept it and we are doing the best we can to stay connected as a couple as well as parents. We ROCK the parenting thing - but the couple thing is getting harder and harder. I realized the other day that we got his health insurance changes information over a week ago and haven't even had time to sit and talk about that yet.

We try to get movies every once in awhile and will set up the Wii to play when they are sleeping again soon -(who doesn't love Mario right?) and I know that as Ben starts to sleep more and I get to sleep more - I won't be so dependent on sleeping every chance we get so we will be able to talk and watch movies, etc when the kids are sleeping again.

But as someone said in their blog posting which prompted this idea for me - for now, it's like we are roommates living in the same house, who see each other in passing on opposite schedules.

We moved to NJ to be 5 minutes away from Dave's job - I stay home FT - so I would imagine that we have WAY MORE time together than most couples with multiple children do and I feel like I'm drowning cause I miss him even though we are here so much of the time together.
How do you all do it? Do you sacrifice sleep more often than I am able to at the moment? Do you have phone dates like you're in HS during the work day? Especially if you both work - do you EVER see each other?

Tell me, tell me:) I want to know!
I know it will get better and it's already starting to look up as Ben sleeps more at night and I know that we will go back to being as strong and fun as ever - but I'm afraid some people never get there again and that makes me sad:(

Comment away and share your experiences:)
Thanks for reading!

How clean is your house?

Wow, I'm back and it feels like it's been FOREVER!

We finally moved into a rental house and let me tell you it's AMAZING!

It's a 3 bedroom - 2 floor house (beds and bath up - living, kitch, dining, down) Full backyard and driveway!! (no more moving cars for the street sweeper on Tuesday mornings!!!!)

But, it was stressful to say the least.

See, we had more stuff than we thought we did. We had more stuff than the movers thought when they did the estimate and of course the day of the move ended up being the hottest day of the spring - so it was misery all around!

However, we did it and we are in and now it's just a matter of getting this place all set up with our pictures hung and our patio/backyard set up and it will feel like HOME!

In moving, I realized something that I thought we should discuss and that is cleanliness.

See, I come from a long line of obsessive cleaners. My kitchen is swiffer mopped every other day, my floors always vacuumed, my bookshelves dusted multiple times a week. There are never poop stains in my toilet and the rest of my bathroom gets a once over at least 3 - 4 times a week. (especially with a potty trained kiddo) Her potty seat gets sanitized and wiped down all the time too.
(turn your potty seat over and take a look - it's GROSS)

I even wipe down the garbage can front, top and back if anything gets on it because although it's a garbage can, I don't think it needs to have garbage ON it... only IN it.

So, when I got here to move in, I was absolutely DISGUSTED to see the state of the bathroom and kitchen. I'm talking caked on grime. I spent the better part of an hour or 2 just scrubbing, bleaching and disinfecting these 2 small places so that I could feel good about bringing my kids in the house.

AND - the worst part is that there were 2 babies living here. One of which got baths in the tub that I had to bleach like, 3 times just for us to take showers in.

I don't get it. I'm finding the older I get and the more places I go, the cleaner my house looks to me.

Don't get me wrong - I can be messy. My drawers are a mess - socks with pants and shirts and panties all mixed in to heaping piles that you have to flatten to close them - however it's Clean - there is a difference. And, my room is the only room that stays messy. I make sure everywhere else in the house is clean every day. We pick up the toys every night, (Katie has been helping since she could walk and is very good about this) the kitchen is NEVER left a mess overnight and the kids room is always clean.

Is it too much? Am I the crazy one? I enjoy a clean house. I just found itty bitty little ants near the kitchen and am FREAKING OUT because I vacuumed 3 times this week and it grosses me out to think there is food somewhere I can't get to that is attracting them - so we are getting spray and I will continue to vacuum until they are gone.

Nothing skeeves me out worse than a dirty kitchen. And this kitchen had just been re-done with nice counters and cabinets and yet, the people that lived here apparently didn't care to keep it up.

Perhaps I clean too much - but it makes me happy. I guess that's why I never get overwhelmed with cleaning the house - because I keep it up during the week so it's never a crazy, time consuming all day event...

Is there anyone else out there that cleans like me? Do you feel my pain?? I was so overwhelmed with how gross this place was that I was almost in tears... granted, part of that is my crazy hormone in-balance due to breastfeeding, but I think some of it was warranted given the situation too!!!

:)

P.s. this is by no means a commentary on ANYONES house I have been to recently for the record... just a commentary on the GROSS people that used to live here!

Things that happen when you become a parent

1. You will become obsessed with your child's poop - trust me
2. You will realize your first week home that you don't know any nursery rhymes or childrens' songs (unless you work at a preschool) We sang Christmas songs to our daughter her first few days because we couldn't think of anything else
   
3. You will learn to survive on VERY broken and often Very little sleep
4. You will get spit up on almost daily and probably get pooped and peed on too
5. You will give up dressing nicely for awhile because of number 4
6. You might forget to brush your teeth every once in awhile - baby wakes up - you rush to get a bottle or nurse him, you change a diaper, probably change his outfit from spit up and then you grab your morning coffee - it happens
7. You will contemplate whether it's worth peeing before you rush to bed once the baby is asleep because those 30 seconds could be precious sleep time
8. You will either LOVE or HATE car rides depending on whether your child likes to sleep in his car seat - my second child HATES the car - thus making any errands or trips torture
9. You will probably not eat out at a restaurant for awhile - unless you have a babysitter - you don't want to be those people with the screaming kid
10. If you do end up being that person with the screaming kid (like I was the other day in Target) you will learn to ignore those around you and curse them for their ability to run in and run out and finish their errand in peace - then when your child falls asleep and is quiet you will forget all about how stressed you were when he was screaming.
11. You will wipe your kids noses with your bare hand or your clothes to avoid having them be the snotty kid
    
12. You will change diapers on tables, floors, in the middle of dinner and it won't affect you
13. You will get over that awkward reading to a kid out loud thing - I always felt weird with my friends kids like I had to perform for an audience - you get over that
14. You will no longer listen to your own music in the car - if there is a kids CD that will quiet your screaming baby - that becomes the regular soundtrack to your driving life
    

No matter who you are or how you feel about the things above now - they will all change once you become a parent. Don't let this list scare you - you will embrace it and love it and when your kids are smiling and hugging and kissing you - you will not miss your old life.
At the same time, when your child is screaming and crying for no reason - you will miss your old life just a little - it's a cycle that is never ending but well worth it in the end.

;)

Happy Monday