Thursday, September 1, 2011

I need a break from staying home

Don't judge me. I have been home FT for over 2 and 1/2 years and I am spent. Absolutely, completely, exhausted. Here comes 100% brutal honesty - I am sick of playing - in fact, I'm no good at it. Katie asks me a million times a day to play with her and no matter what we are "playing" I am always doing it wrong, or I take the wrong thing, or she changes her mind 2 seconds into it, etc...

I am not cut out for this.

I potty trained her, I taught her her ABC's and numbers and counting and to love books and reading. Lord knows she talks so much because she is just like me - so I will take responsibility for that too...

But I am done. I am ready for someone else to step in. I want to be a part time parent for just a little while. I know it sounds awful - but it's the honest to god truth. I got a little taste of working again doing a special project for the company I used to work for and I had forgotten how GOOD IT FEELS to work. To have deadlines, and talk to grown ups and do interviews and organize files and get emails.

I love all of it. I'm good at it.

Ben is still waking up 2 times at night - with one time either being in the middle of the night where he wants to hang out for a few hours OR a wake up for the day between 4:30 and 5:30. Between that, and my thyroid still leveling out and the millions of other things I am doing during the day, I realized that I want to work - I don't really want to play.

I'm not saying I don't do things with her - we baked cookies today while Ben was sleeping and it was great - I read to her all the time and I take her to the park and the library and gym classes too - it's just that I need a break. Being a stay at home is way harder than I ever thought it was - and I miss working. I can't explain how good it feels to work again.

She's 2 1/2 and she's ready for daycare. Pre-school won't take her until she is 3 - so that is next September - so I think I am going to suck it up and find a part time morning program for her so that she can have more structure and play with other kids and maybe learn some stuff that I can't teach her.

It will also give Ben some one on one time with me, which he hardly ever gets and it will give me more time to work and pursue work and figure out when and how and where I am going to go back Full Time.

I never thought I'd be a stay at home mom at all - I was always gonna have a career outside the home. That's why I got my Masters at night while working a FT job.

I'm proud of the fact that I lasted as long as I have. I just think I am tapped out at the moment. Who knows, maybe I'll finish this special project and then decide that I want a break from working - or maybe she won't do well in daycare and I'll have to pull her out again - either way, I have decided to try to make it work for her and for me. It's not fair to her that I am so tired and burnt out and cranky when she changes her mind a million times - she's 2, it's what they do.

Before you judge - please realize that the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side and staying home full time isn't for everyone.


  1. No judgement here! It sounds so silly but it is hard to play all the time. It's hard to come up with things and be needed by children every second of every day. It's hard to not get to interact with other adults on a regular basis. I miss having regular working hours. It took me awhile to realize what I wanted to do career-wise and wouldn't you know, a year into my first wonderful job doing HR (where I had my career epiphany) - I got pregnant and after much deliberation we decided I would stay home. and I love it, don't get me wrong. I loved it with Jake, and I love it with Aidan, and I am sure I will love it with baby #3. That being said, Jake is at that age where he needs to play with other kids on a regular basis and we need some apart time (so I can work and have solo Aidan time and when the baby gets here it won't be such a dramatic shift in scheduling). So in two weeks, Jake is starting a playgroup program (9-12 Monday and Wednesdays). Stay at home parenting is totally not for everyone and you have been nothing short of amazing with your kids. I'm sure you'll get back into the swing of things at work and miss being at home with them, but like you said, the grass is always greener and there are pros and cons to everything. I personally think it's important to re-assess where you're at from time to time- to make sure what you are doing is what is making you personally happy- and that goes for everything really. If you're not totally satisfied with something, then change it up. Happy mom, happy kids. Good luck with Katie's program - I'd love to hear how it goes. I'm actually kind of nervous about Jake's. He'll probably love it, but I wonder how he'll act when I am not around (I'm sure he'll be well behaved, but I wonder if he'll act differently). Should be interesting!

  2. I am a full time working mom. Stella went to daycare at 8 weeks. I am an engineer and work my ass off everyday! Working full time is great but like you said the grass is always greener. I wake up and it's go go go to get out the house. I come home and try to actually spend some time with her all while trying to unpack from the day, cook dinner, clean up from dinner, make lunches. Then it's bath time and bed. Everything that stay at homers can do during the week, we cram into a weekend. So we have no schedule on the weekends and my time with her is dragging her to grocery stores, target, etc...sometimes I take a day off and send her to daycare anyways just so I can get stuff done!

  3. How often do FT moms take days off and then take their kids out of daycare to do something? I wonder.
    I think part time mornings will be perfect for us for now. She needs the socializing and I need the breathing room. I have been on call 24/7 attached at her hip for 2 1/2 years and now with Ben insisting on nursing - it's even tougher - PT mornings will be an introduction to pre-school and lucky for me - if it doesn't work, I can pull her out and we can try again later:)

  4. My daycare is closed a couple times a year around holidays and for her to take a summer vacation (it's an at home day care so she can make her own schedule) so that requires me to take time off and spend it with my kid. Though I am guilty of taking a day or two off during the summer when JC is at day care and spending it by the pool ALL BY MYSELF!!!!
    Don't feel bad about wanting time with Ben or for yourself-I suck at playing too. If we are going to play trains why do I have to be the car???
    You know what is best for your kids so no one can judge that.

  5. For the price of daycare, if it's open she is going! You don't just pay for the days you use. You pay no matter what. Snow day, pay me. We are sending your kid home, pay me. We lost power, pay me!